Lisa’s a seamstress and she’s got this habit of comparing people to buttons. It annoys me because I don’t go around comparing people to cakes just because I work at Jenny Bee’s bakery. If I did, Lisa would be an angel cake during the day, an eye-catching butterfly cake in town, and definitely a strawberry tart in the bedroom.

            Lisa says I have two personalities, I’m a typical Gemini. If I was a button one half of me would be plain and pleasant, the other nutty and fruity. I’m normally reserved in public, even shy at times, but when the mood takes me I take off like a nun in a rocket. Take last night for example. We’d been for a nice Italian and made our way to the arena to watch Strictly Come Dancing. The first half was fabulous. I didn’t wriggle, clapped at the right times and exchanged pleasantries with the couple sitting next to me. After the interval I was tucking into a tub of Haagen-Dazs when Kate Thornton; lovely dress, buttons to kill for, asks for volunteers to come up on stage. Lisa panics, grabs for my arm, but it’s too late; I’m racing down the aisle like Billy Whizz. Ten thousand people cheer as I tell them I’m Patty White from West Derby, my shoes are from Topshop, and I’m going to dance the Fandango. I couldn’t see Lisa with all those lights blazing but waved anyway, I knew I’d have to do some serious grovelling later. Kate Thornton – her eyes are very far apart by the way – says we’ll be dancing to Stayin’ Alive and the winner will be invited to meet the dancers after the show. Well bang! I was bobbin’ all over the stage like a parrot on speed. I don’t think I was the best dancer, but when Kate asked the crowd to cheer for their favourite I got a standing ovation!  

Maybe people are like buttons? Some cute, some dangling by a thread, some not quite matching, and some like me – likely to pop at any time!